Sorry, Not Sorry
"After I got hurt by a church, only one person ever reached out to make it right." I thought that seemed unlikely. In an entire community of Christians, how could hardly anyone want to apologize? But looking back on my situation nearly five years later, only one person ever reached out to me. If no one is sorry, how can I forgive?
Genesis 50:15-26
Their father was gone, and Joseph's brothers saw it. "What if Joseph still holds it against us," they said, "and pays us back in full for all the evil we did to him?" So they sent word to Joseph: "Your father gave an order before he died. He said, 'You are to tell Joseph: I beg you, please forgive your brothers' offense and their sin, for they did evil to you.' So now, please forgive the offense of those who serve the God of your father." Joseph wept as they spoke to him. Then his brothers went to him themselves and they fell down before him. "Here we are," they said, "your servants." Joseph told them, "Don't be afraid. Am I standing in for God? You meant to do evil to me. God meant it for good, to bring about what is happening today: keeping a great many people alive. So now, don't be afraid. I myself will look after you and your little ones." And he comforted them and spoke gently to their hearts. Joseph settled in Egypt, he and his father's household. He lived a hundred and ten years, and he saw Ephraim's children to the third generation. The children of Manasseh's son Machir were also born on Joseph's knees. Then Joseph said to his brothers, "I am dying. But God will surely care for you, and bring you up out of this land, into the land he swore to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob." So Joseph made the sons of Israel swear an oath: "God will surely care for you, and you must bring my bones up from here." Joseph died, a hundred and ten years of age. They embalmed him, and he was laid in the coffin in Egypt.
For seventeen years, Joseph has provided his family with food and protection. But now that their father Jacob is buried, his brothers fear that he will take revenge. Instead of trusting God to protect them, or apologizing for selling him into slavery, they scheme. They kneel, call themselves servants, and manufacture a dying wish from their dead father to try to get out of trouble. Joseph weeps. I think it's because he loves them, but sees they'll never change. The tears link the two parts of his response: truth and care. First, he accurately describes their evil. They've repeatedly attempted to deceive him, and the present appeal is no different. By telling them the truth, he shows them that their manipulation has failed again. Second, he accurately describes how fear is motivating them. He meets their need by speaking gently to them, and promising to take care of them and their children. It's an act of grace, because he's doing the opposite of what they did to him. His forgiveness is nuanced. His brothers get what they want, because Joseph agrees to not collect the debt they owe him. But at the same time, he reminds them, "Am I standing in for God?" It's a humble way of acknowledging that they haven't asked God to forgive them. If they want God's forgiveness, they'll need to repent of their sin. Joseph explains to them that God accomplished good despite their attempt to destroy him. That hardly justifies them doing evil, or lying to get out of trouble. Instead, it invites them to stop doing evil and start cooperating with God. Whatever they decide to do, Joseph has decided he won't take revenge. It's an ideal picture of human forgiveness. So it points forward to Jesus, who goes one step further. Because Jesus was not only fully human, but fully God, he could not only forgive our debts, but pay the price for them, too. Even if he wanted to, Joseph could not carry the weight of their sins. He could only choose not to make them repay him. And he couldn't see how the story would end. All he could do was care for his brothers, and remind them that God would take care of them too. When I thought that forgiving people who hurt me meant that I had to trust them again, or let them keep hurting me, I couldn't do it. It seemed like God wanted me to hurt myself to please him. I needed to protect myself more than I could let go of my anger. I prayed three prayers for months: "God, remind me that you forgave me of far worse." "God, help me want to forgive them." "God, I forgive them, and leave them in your hands." I don't know when I finally forgave them. I just stopped thinking about them because the anger was gone.
When has someone 'apologized' in an attempt to manage your anger?
How does knowing that God is both just and forgiving change how you think about forgiveness?
Who feels impossible to forgive?
What prayer can you sincerely pray today? Pick one and try it: "God, remind me that you forgave me of far worse." "God, help me want to forgive them." "God, I forgive them, and leave them in your hands."